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so i am terribly disgusted with myself lately...i was looking at old pictures and realizing how disgusting i look....needless to say ive fallen apart and stopped caring about how i look and it shows....i have to do something about it...im totally out of control and it needs to stop....i have to regain control of myself and my life...etc...no more fooling around...ugh....i dont even know what to say : ( 
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argh i have to work tonite...9pm-530am!! crazy hours...at least i dont have any classes tomorrow tho...so i can sleep in......so i went to the whole harvest crusade thing on saturday with mom em and joe and it was pretty awesome....we had a great time....the most amazing part was that we all got saved..together...to quote wicked "something has changed within me, something is not the same..." ya i love that show  but its true...i feel different...and i cant really describe what i mean by different....just different in a better sort of way...i feel good....ever since grandpa died i sorta gave up on god and everything i once believed...i cant say i stopped believing.....i suppose youd say i stopped trusting god.....i felt like why would he take away someone so important to me during such a difficult time in my life....i dont know what to say to describe it but things are different....anyway...ooo im listening to guns n roses...gotta love em!!!! choir started back for me today wich was awesome!!!!...there were so many new people there today...it was awesome....its gonna be a great semester and are gonna be a much stronger group...child dev. started yesterday...its gonna be an awesome semester in child dev...ive got a great teacher...shes super smart and completely hilarious!!!!....she kept us laughing the whole time.....never a boring moment....ya know what i find soo funny? the reactions of people when they find out the type of music i listen to....like i dont listen to rap and hip hop and all that....well ok i do on occasion but i listen to everything..like stuff my parents and gradparents listened to when they were young...like the other day i was listening to this song by the rolling stones and a friend of mine who is much older than me was like i didnt thikn youd even know who they are...i was o come on...just because im young doesesnt mean that im totally ignorant to different types of music..psh lame!! i really should be doing my homework right now or practicing the piano or something to that effect but i dont hav much of an attention span atm and i just dont feel like it lol....anyway i thikn im done for now..till next time
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KOCKIN' ON HEAVENS DOOR

Mama take this badge from me
I can't use it any more
Its gettin dark too dark to see
Feels like I'm knockin on heavens door

Kn-kn-knockin on heavens door
Kn-knockin on heavens door
Kn-knockin on heavens door
Kn-knockin on heavens door

Mama put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them any more
That cold black cloud is comin down
Feels like I'm knockin on heavens door

Kn-kn-knockin on heavens door
Kn-knockin on heavens door
Kn-knockin on heavens door
Kn-knockin on heavens door

"You just better start sniffin your own
Rank subjugation Jack cause its just you
Against your tattered labido, the bank, and
The mortician, forever man and it wouldn't
Be luck if you could get out of life alive

Kn-kn-knockin on heavens doorback to top 






PAINT IT BLACK
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm,...

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!


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1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, style your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success

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While dressing the cancerous breast sores of a woman she was tending, Catherine felt repulsed at the horrid odor. To overcome all bodily sensations, she gathered the pus and drank it. That night, Catherine envisioned Jesus inviting her to drink the blood flowing from his pierced side, and it was with this consolation that her stomach "no longer had need of food and no longer could digest."

In medieval times, to live without food meant that Catherine had found other forms of sustenance - piety and faith in God. From the age of sixteen, she subsisted on bread, water and raw vegetables. Eventually she ate only a handful of herbs daily, and, when forced to eat more, would eat twigs to make herself vomit. In time she simply refused to eat.

Catherine's life of austerities, visions and her possession of "supernatural grace" won her admiration and awe. Her faith in her calling compelled her to tell kings, queens and even popes what to do. She became one of the most powerful women of the fourteenth century.
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thats right..you heard it....i feel as though i am 100% totally loosing it...i was afraid to take the garbage out and it ended up taking me all day to get the courage to do so...there are two peices of the living room blinds missing and i am terrified that someone can see through the gaps and is watching me..theres a window in the front door and im afraid someone is watching me through that window as im watching tv....im afraid of everything and im paranoid and all i can seem to do is sleep...i need to excercise so i dont gain any more weight....i ate two slices of pizza and 2 peices of cake today and im afraid its gonna kill me..i need to excercise....i need to loose all my fat...did i mention that my fear of underneath spaces has returned and i cant put my feet on the floor...i spent all day today sleeping on the couch and watching tv.....i stopped taking my cymbalta a while ago and im afraid to start taking it again for unknown reasons...i wanna go take a shower but im afraid of going upstairs. im afraid to go to sleep again because im afraid something bad is gonna hapen while im asleep....i dont wanna be home alone right now...i need to get up and excercise and take a shower and clean my room and hang up my photos on the walls and do laundry and clean the kitchen and do tons of other things....and it all needs to get done TONITE!!!! i havent got enough time to do everything...i need to go to work and pick up my schedule but im really scared about that and i dont know why....i just know that its causing me a lot of anxiety. im afraid someones gonna break in or show up or hurt me and im all alone so theres noone here to help me...ahhhhh i feel like im gonna explode!!!!....my sister saw my new picture on myspace and aske me if i got extensions...now im afraid my hair looks bad and wanna fix it but i will not let myself get near the scissors because last time this happened my hair was a disaster....ugh it looked horrible....i wanna go for a walk or go running but im afraid to go outside....i dont know what to do with myself...o well i guess thats it.....im gonna go look at some sites and get some inspiration to get back on my diet plan because im gonna be a FAT ASS if i dont.....till next time
Current Mood:
crazy crazy
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In All Honesty

 

Daddy what happened to "i love you forever"?

you told me i was your little girl

you said you'd love me

forever

so what went wrong?

i try so hard

to be your perfect

angel

all attempts turn to disaster.

i may be angry

and i may be hurt

but daddy

i still love you

with

one hundred percent of my heart.

im trying so hard

to be what you wanted

but im far from perfect.

im sorry im not smart

enough

im sorry

that sometimes i act like a "blonde"

im sorry

im not skinny

im sorry im not pretty

im sorry

ive made mistakes

i ask forgiveness

for every one

im sorry

you dont like who i am.

that is why

i try hard every day

to be skinny

to be pretty

to be smart

to be what you want.

daddy im tired

and im warn

im beat

im beant and im broken

theres almost nothing left.

i know at one point

you loved me

i just dont know what changed.

every night as i lay in bed

i cry

and wonder

what i did wrong

i wish

i wasent "sick"

and i wish

i wasent "crazy"

i wish i was normal

like kassie

maby then you might love me.

i'd trade the world

to be daddies little girl

i'd give it all

just to be good enough

to go back

and be that little girl

that you held so near

and dear.

im sorry

that im so screwed up

and im sorry that something went wrong.

i really wish

you werent so angry.

most of all

im sorry

that you cant accept me

and love me

for me.

im sorry that you cant

be proud of me

im sorry that im nothing

great.

but just know

that i do try

that i give it

my all

but sometimes

i fall.

thats how i feel

thats me

in all

Honesty

Current Mood:
depressed depressed
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If you could be another person for a day, who would it be and why?

anybody but myself

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i feel disgusting today...im tired and need a shower and im FAT....grooooosssss!!! i cant watch tv without seeing a skinny girl and feeling like a disgusting fat ass....i feel pathetic...i need to make this whole being fat thing stop...i can do it if i just try so tomorrow im going on a fast....hopefully it works out....ive never been sucessful with a fast yet soim hoping for the best and very determined to loose a lot of weight fast...i bought new diet pills yesterday.....ive heard from numerous people that they work wayyy better than the ones ive been taking....i also got green tea pills which i heard speeds up your metabolism....so on top of fasting for at least a couple days....a couple weeks at best....im cutting my fat allowance in half to 5g max in a day, trying for 0. and less than 200 calories...i was allowing myself 300 calories and 10g of fat but thats gross and wayy too much so im cutting it down....ive been going to starbucks on my breaks at work since its just down the street and getting this awesome orange iced tea that is killer but i need to cut that out cause its probably wayyy fattening, but hey at least im not drinking their coffees that are loaded with calories and fat but ya...im like addicted to their tea and ive gotta start drinking less of those..so ya the fast starts tomorrow...nothing but liquids which include water...diet pop juice cigs  and maby some soup occasionally. the only thing thats gonna be hard about the fast is finding excuses to get out of dinner...the one meal of the day my gpa insists i eat..i mean how many days in a row can i be in the shower or not hungry or sick and i dont work any days this week during dinner time so thats gonna make it harder.  then if i skip dinner vic gets on my case and accuses me of starving myself again....as if ive ever starved myself....i hate when people accuse me of things or make assumptions about me...i dont starve myself...thats not how i see it...im simply excercsing control and showing and ability to overcome physical wants and be pure..starvation sounds so tribal and holocaust to me....thats so not it....when i was in hs we went to this holocaust museum on a field trip in la and thats what i think of..its so sad and it makes me sad...im not being deprived of anything....im simply showing that i can be stronger than food...that i dont need it...it makes me feel superhuman and surreal...like if i ocercome food and stop needing it...ill be special...ill be like and angel..pure and floaty and pretty and pefect..am i not making sense? o well i dont care...it makes sense to me and its not like im writing this to please other people...im doing this for me. i dont care if other people dont like what i write or are offended by it...if you dont like it dont read it. i write because its theraputic for me...i dont care if im good or bad at it or if people wanna read what i have to say or even care what i have to say...putting how i feel and what i think is theraputic for me and it keeps me from forgetting. all my life ive had a problem with my memeory. not like some serious neuroliogical thing...i just forget things that happen or how i feel...one doctor called it dissociation and that was that..no lets try and fix it or this it what you need to do...just simply you have episodes of dissociation and moving on...i acuallly had to google it to even find out what it meant.so i just have to deal with the fact that there are lots of big chunks of my life missing and i have no idea where i was or how i felt or what i was like...i just simply trust that i still existed at the time...that i didnt totally dissapear for a period of time or even if anything important happened to me. so anyway im rambeling and my gpa wants me to run to subway so off i go...till next time...think thin
Current Mood:
cold cold
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well its been 6 months since that fucking stupid ex finance of mine left...ya u heard it just up and fuckng left....he said our relationship should have stayed in high school and he thought i was trying to change him.....i put 6 fucking years into our relationship and loved him with all my heart and he tells me it should have stayed in high school...wtf....to top it all off i was pregnant at the time.....what a nice guy huh? leaves his pregnant fiance to be with some skank in pennsylvania...ya didnt find that out till after he left and she turned up pregnant....obviously im no longer pregnant....miscarriage..... blah blah blah blah blah....needless to say ive been pretty depressed since then....ive felt like i did something to push him away and that it was my fault that our baby died.....ive felt like it was all my fault....this is the first time ive really vented about this so ya....i was the one that had to cancel all the wedding plans and tell everyone it was off....life has been shitty since then.....i cant seem to kick this depression....i started cutting again and ive found myself wondering all the time what i could have done to make things turn out different...wondering whether i could have fixed whatever went wrong....whether there was something i could have done to keep the baby alive.... id sit wondering if there was something i could have done throughout my life to make that problem go away....blaming myself.....thinking there had to have been something i could have done to save my relationship and my child....in the end there was nothing i really could have done to save either....ive told myself over and over i should have been prettier or tried  harder in some way and he would have cheated.....i should have made myself healthier and my baby wouldnt have died.....after months of telling myself that he cheated because i asent pretty enough brought back my ed in full force and im to the point now where im just saying fuck it...i give in...let it stay because i dont care anymore....if it kills me i dont care...if i live through it then great but i know that having it there means im that much closer to perfection....that much closer to not having my bad looks drive away someone else...that much closer to being likeable and loveable....ive met other guys and dated other guys but it always turns out to be nothing but a "friends with benefits" sort of thing.....i guess im meeting the wrong guys...the guys that only want a girls that "good in bed" lol at least i have one talent hhahahaha....i found that funny and im at the point where again i dont care.....i dont care if i never find the right person....i give up on trying....hearbreak fucks with my mind too much and i obviously dont handle rejection well so fuck it....there is a good thing that has come out of this ed thing...i dont drink very much....lol too many caloried....not many people know this but i drank a lot in hs....i was drunk  a lot in hs...and for the first year or 2 after....then my ed took over and that became less important which is good because then i dont find myself blacking out halfway thru some party at some persons house that i dont know...meeting some guy i dont know and waking up next to that same guy i still dont know and having to ask his name....tho after a while i just got up and left once i woke up and saqid fuck introducing myself...im never gonna see him again...boy am i fucked up....but hey at least i never got into drugs.....i smoked pot for awhile but that made me hugry and food was the enemy so that had to go....did some e but found that boring ad didnt like loosing my already small attention spand to some inanimate object......hmm are overuse of diet pills considered drug abuse? cause thats the only thing ive stuck with......diet pills are like sacred to me.....i need them....so ya im probably not making any sense...thats what happens when i stop taking my happy pills....ive got the fuck it attitude towards them too....i dont seem to be getting any positive affect from them so fuck them too.....i find it pretty sad that i no longer have a life.....i work sleep avoid eating excercise and take pills count calories and fat and worry about what  little food i let stay down...thats about all there is to my day....im pathetic....i have no friends anmore and ya know what....fuck them too....dont need em.....o i took up knitting....i fell all domestic like...hahaha.....i dont sing much anymore....i dont have much of a range anymore tho so ya....smoking fucked that up but it curbs my apetite so its higher up on the totem pole than singing and more important and more of a necessity.....i can play the piano in its place....although im not gonna become a broadway star playing the piano....but oh well...fuck broadway too....fuck it all....i have to find some big bracelets o wear to work so that my wrists dont scare the customers....nobody gonna wanna apply for a mervyns card when their casheir has slice and diced her wrists and god knows that getting an ic is all thats important in life(sarcasm there).....i tried sending a message to this person(i wont mention any names) that i used to know....i saw her on myspace and thought why not.....neway she just read my message and didnt respond......she must hate me.....i must have done something really wrong...it could just be that someone would have to be stupid to like me...whatever tho....i dont need anybody.....fuck people.....dont need em...neway...i feel a little better having ranted and raved and vented and such so thats it for now
Current Mood:
indifferent indifferent
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